Giving Birth to a Flaming Porcupine

As nurses, we are supposed to assess pain in our patients and provide "pain management". An important aspect of this task is trying to quantify the pain. In hospitals, scales to quantify pain have included the venerable "0-10 Scale" with 0 being pain-free and 10 being agony to such a degree that death would almost be welcome. Some places use the "faces" scale with an illustration of a face with a big smile for pain-free to one with a big frown at the other end of the spectrum. In working with people with cognitive impairments, the experts say to look for signs of pain, such as facial grimacing, guarding (drawing away from touch), moaning or yelling, etc. While this may be better than nothing, "We can do better".
Thinking outside the box, I would like to introduce the "Mitchell Pain Scale for People Who Don't Like Pain Scales" (copyright 2013). Going from pain-free to most severe pain, the scale includes:
- Eating your favorite Ben & Jerry's
- A paper cut
- Getting hit in the head by a dodgeball thrown by your mother
- Your laxative has kicked in
- Your ex-wife is squeezing your nuts
- Giving birth to a flaming porcupine
Although the scale in in beta and still needs reliability and validity testing, I think things are off to a good start. Five options is probably not enough, so please send me your suggestions to add to flesh things out. Be as descriptive as you can and let me know where you recommend it be on the scale. You are also welcome to submit alternate titles for the scale (maybe the "Flaming Porcupine Scale" would have more acceptance).
Who knows? Working together, we may come up with the biggest advance in health care in the last 50 years. Put on your thinking caps, and thanks for your help.

WOMBAT

No, I'm not talking about a furry little critter from Australia. WOMBAT is an acronym that stands for "Waste Of Money, Breath, and Time". I learned about it many years ago from one of my fellow nurse managers in the UK. In my private life, I am opinionated, judgmental, and cranky. In my professional life, I have learned to leave most of it at home (or keep it to myself) and to do my best to be reasonably polite.
The cranky me thinks there are a lot of WOMBATS out there. Among them are:
- anyone named Kardashian
- Real Housewives of anywhere
- televised golf
- airline travel
- meetings just to have meetings
- rap music
- people who call themselves "experts" (if they are, they don't need to tell you)
- Congress
- sleeping late (I just can't do it)
- traffic circles
- Suggested Retail Price
- junk emails
- zoning permits
- automated phone answering systems
- pennies
- exercise (people jogging during a rain storm is just wrong)
- tofu
- "celebrities" who think I need to know what they are up to
Although the list is not exhaustive, it gives you an idea that I am a bit of a curmudgeon (at least part-time). On the bright side, all of the WOMBATs in my life have increased my tolerance dramatically so that my proudest achievement is actually that I am NOT doing 25-to-life.
How about you? Any WOMBATs in your life?