My late father was a minister in the United Church of Christ, married for over 50 years and, to say it nicely, a sometimes complex and strange individual. In his role as a minister, he was always professional and on point and was an excellent mentor for younger, less experienced ministers. At home, though, not so much.
The household when I was growing up was not abusive or anything like that, but my older brother, younger sister and I sometimes got some mixed messages.
Among the positives I learned at home, I do not gamble (it was never anything that was even mentioned in the house), I learned not to lie to people (he told me that, if you get caught in a lie, you have no credibility; you are better off saying nothing) and, something for which I have always been grateful, he introduced me to Monty Python.
My late mother, who had been an elementary school teacher prior to retirement, put up with a lot from him over the years. It was her who gave my father his household nickname (Jackass) which she used to address him when she was running out of patience and which he recognized as a sign to back off. He, in return, occasionally referred to my mother (although never in her presence) as "The Old Squaw".
I think my father sometimes had difficulty complimenting his children. He may have said some nice things, but I just don't remember any specific example. It was he who nicknamed my sister Flatso (referring to her chest). To me, he once said, "I stuck up for you the other day. Someone said you weren't fit to eat with the pigs, and I said yes you were." Another example: Someone said you were smarter than you look. I told them you'd have to be." I guess he wanted to make sure I didn't have an inflated opinion of myself. Although that's not a bad thing, it would have been nice if he had chosen a different way to deliver the message. Since we never really sat down and had an in-depth conversation, though,this was the way it went.
While being honest was important in the family, it was sometimes a hard lesson to hold onto when one saw examples out there of people that were frequently not honest (like members of Congress and embezzlers). If you are going to be honest (or dishonest) you want to get something out of it. I have never been in jail nor want to, but it's sometimes difficult when you are young to see what being honest does for you. His answer, which is part of the title of this piece was, "If you lead a good clean life, I'll leave you the family recipe for ice cubes." I guess the lesson was that being honest wasn't going to make me rich or powerful or anything like that, but you did it because it was the right thing to do and you shouldn't do it to expect to be rewarded.
As we all grew older, my father had the opportunity to share his unique influence with future generations of the Mitchells. Many years ago, one of my two daughters (I won't tell you which one) when she was about two years old, was picking her nose. My father, being his usual helpful self, said to my daughter, "I'll give you a dollar if you find a purple one." Thanks Dad.
